


C is for Cologne

by ioanite



Category: Hornblower (TV)
Genre: Alphabet Soup Challenge, Challenge Response, Gen, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-07
Updated: 2014-02-07
Packaged: 2018-01-11 12:05:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1172856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ioanite/pseuds/ioanite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sailors normally have no need to wear scent. This is one reason why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	C is for Cologne

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Lokei's Hornblower Alphabet Soup Challenge.
> 
> Also, those who read this on my Livejournal will notice a change in the lieutenant who bursts in at the end of the story. This is because I made a typo in my original draft and didn't catch it until much later, so I've edited it here.

“Enjoying your shore-leave, Archie?” Horatio asked dryly, watching his friend sweep into the room, a spring in his step and several parcels in his hands.

“Yes, and I’ll thank you not to ruin it for me by being irritating.” Horatio could hear the affection in Archie’s voice and didn’t try to start arguing. Instead, he sighed and set down his book. “All right, then. What have you been spending your prize money on? Or should I ask who?”

“No who, not yet. But I’m hoping that will change.”

He started rooting around in the parcels. “Father’s giving a masked ball, you see. I’ll be attending in the hopes of catching someone’s eye.”

“I suppose it’s wishful thinking to ask for an invitation.”

“Sorry. My father’s very particular about who he invites to these things. And I’m afraid my Navy friends won’t be welcome at our home.” Archie turned to him with curiosity. “But you’ve never expressed an interest in mingling with society. Why ask for an invitation?”

“So I can keep an eye on you.”

Archie pushed Horatio off his hammock. “I can handle myself just fine, thank you! My mischievous streak knows when to show itself, and when to hide it. Especially in front of my father.”

Horatio rubbed his back and grinned wryly. “Fine. I trust you. Now show me what you’ve bought for this masked ball.”

Archie produced a fairly elegant golden mask. “The mask-maker said that it would emphasize my eyes and draw attention to my hair.”

Horatio bit his lip, but the wisecrack came out anyway. “Archie, you _do_ realize that you sound like a girl dressing for her debutante ball, don’t you?”

Archie smiled. “Yes, I know, Horatio. But when you’re trying to find a woman to court, you tend to go a little crazy.”

Horatio, not having experienced this, shrugged. “I’ll take your word for it. Do you think it’ll help?”

“It certainly can’t hurt. And if it doesn’t attract too much attention from the fairer sex, I have a secret weapon.”

Despite himself, Horatio’s curiosity got the better of him. Archie noticed and gave a triumphant grin, but otherwise made no comment. He lifted a glass bottle from the parcel and presented it to Horatio for inspection. Horatio examined the gold liquid before reading the label. He made a face and looked up at Archie. “Scent? Really, Archie?”

“Smell it, Horatio. It’s awfully good. And the merchant told me that it was one of the most popular fragrances this year.”

Horatio sniffed the bottle tentatively. “I’ll admit it’s fairly pleasant,” he said, handing the bottle back, “But just be careful when you’re applying it. Remember, we’re still at war. The navy doesn’t need you turning into a dandy.”

Archie swatted his hammock again. “You’re incorrigible, Horatio. Where do you pick these things up?”

“I learned from a master.” Horatio answered affectionately, rubbing at his nose—the scent of the fragrance had caused it to itch a little. Afterwards, Horatio always kicked himself for not picking up on that warning sign.

***

Horatio was in the room while Archie was preparing for the masquerade, which allowed him to continue practicing his friendly banter. He admitted that he was getting better, but it would be a long time before he felt fully comfortable with it. Besides, Archie appreciated his efforts, and that was enough to make him want to continue.

Once Archie was satisfied with his outfit, hair, and mask, he uncorked the bottle of cologne. He rubbed a generous amount of it onto his hands, then began to rub it into his neck. Horatio was no expert on perfumes, but he had a feeling that Archie was applying too much. He was about to say so when the scent quite literally overpowered him. He suddenly had the horrifying thought that he was going to drown. And embarassingly, his body would be found reeking of orchid and jasmine. The men would be trying not to laugh as they dumped his body overboard.

The feeling of drowning passed, but the strong scent was too much for him. He started sneezing, hands cupped over his face in a desperate attempt to get real air into his lungs. Archie turned to him with concern. “You all right, Horatio?”

Horatio couldn’t believe that Archie was oblivious to the cause of this sudden fit. Unable to speak, he pointed to the bottle that was still perched on a sideboard. Archie picked it up and looked back at him incredulously. “This? But you were fine with it when I first bought it!”

“Too much!” Horatio choked out, waving one hand in front of his face, the other one digging around in his pocket for his handkerchief. Archie still looked confused. “But I followed all the instructions perfectly. How could I have applied too much?”

At this point, Horatio didn’t want to argue with him; he just wanted to get out of there. “Go,” he gasped, pinching his nose, “Just go to your masked ball and let me breathe!”

Archie winced. “I’m so sorry, Horatio. Maybe it’s an allergy. I’ll see you later.”

With that, he was gone. The scent in the room decreased considerably, but there was still enough of it to make Horatio leave the room himself, making sure to keep the door open. Once outside, he stood by the railings and took deep breaths of fresh air until the burning in his nose and lungs had subsided. After about fifteen minutes, he felt it was safe to go back into his quarters.

The first thing that caught his eye when he entered the room was the bottle of cologne. On an impulse, he grabbed it and brought it over to his hammock. Uncorking it, he inhaled the scent deeply. There was a pricking in his nose from having inhaled too much, too fast, but he wasn’t as overwhelmed as he’d been earlier. Splashing a little on his fingers, he rubbed the scent on one side of his neck, then the other. A tentative sniff showed that the cologne was actually rather pleasant…in small doses. The experiment settled it in Horatio’s mind. He wasn’t allergic to the scent…Archie had just used far too much. The fact that a quarter of the bottle had already been used up seemed to confirm this suspicion. Horatio shook his head affectionately, set the bottle back in its place, and laid back in his hammock to wait for Archie.

When Archie returned sometime around midnight, Horatio realized to his great displeasure that the scent of the cologne hadn’t worn off, although it wasn’t as bad as it had been when Archie first applied it. Pulling out his handkerchief in preparation for the sneezing fit, he asked Archie about his evening.

“Terrible, if you want to know the truth. I was nearly thrown out for poisoning my dinner companions. They were two old biddies who complained loudly about how I smelled. One of them suggested that I’d rubbed myself with roses before I came.” He grinned sheepishly at Horatio. “I guess you were right. I used too much.”

“Then why didn’t you wash it off?” Horatio demanded, putting the handkerchief to his face, “And spare all of us from suffocating?”

“I tried, Horatio!” Archie said rather desperately, “But the damn stuff won’t come off! The merchant said it was long lasting, but apparently he failed to mention that it was waterproof as well!”

Horatio was unable to answer, as the sneezing had just started up again. Archie stood there sheepishly, unsure what to do. “I really am sorry, Horatio. I wish there was something I could do to make it up to…” he froze, an odd look on his face. “Horatio…” he continued after a moment, “Did you put on some of the cologne?”

Horatio nodded, pinching his nose long enough to answer. “I wanted to test to see if I was allergic to it. Why…”

“Because…” Archie’s breath started to catch, “I don’t think the combination of the scent with your skin is agreeing with me.”

And to Horatio’s amazement, Archie began sneezing as well. Both of them backed away from each other, but the damage had been done. It was as if the cologne had paralyzed them, making them unable to do anything but stand on opposite sides of the room, stifling sneezes into handkerchiefs and trying to avoid breathing too much.

Horatio had thought the situation couldn’t get much worse, but when Lieutenant Bracegirdle poked his head in the door, he realized the awfulness of the evening had only just begun. “What the hell is going on in here?” Bracegirdle demanded, “The captain and I have been hearing this, this…sneeze symphony for half-an-hour! Is there some cold epidemic sweeping the ship that we should know about?”

Horatio was about to answer when Bracegirdle sniffed the air. “Good lord,” he said, sounding both shocked and deeply amused, “Are you two gentlemen running a brothel in here?”

“No, sir,” Horatio said, turning bright red, “It’s Mr. Kennedy’s c… _k-chh!…_ cologne, sir.”

Bracegirdle looked to Archie, who confirmed Horatio’s statement with a nod. Bracegirdle rolled his eyes. “No one ever attained something he wanted just by smelling good, Kennedy. I trust you’ll remember that in the future.”

“Y-yes sir.” Archie gasped out. Bracegirdle nodded and left. Horatio buried his face in his hands. This story would spread around the ship, and he and Archie would be laughingstocks for weeks. They might even give the two of them nicknames that would stick for the rest of their careers. Horatio did not want to retire from the service, still best known as “One of the cologne twins”.

“Horatio?” Archie asked tentatively through a pinched nose, “Are you all right?”

Horatio finally found his legs. “I’m sleeping on the deck tonight. And depending what I hear in the morning, I may just throw myself overboard.”

As he left the room, he heard Archie call him back. When he turned around, Archie tossed him the cologne bottle. “Do me a favor and make sure this follows you into the drink. It’s more trouble than it’s worth.”

Horatio caught the bottle and left the room, taking a great amount of pride in the fact that he had enough tact to not respond that he could say the same thing about Archie.


End file.
